when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
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Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Leaving the Barbers like
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY