Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
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Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.