Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity