Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

I didn’t realize that was an option

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.