Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
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I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.