Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
groan^2
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was