Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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Orange cat behavior 😂
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Stick it to the man
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)