Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*