Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Art by Pastelkatto

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.