Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
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my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.