Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
At least my masseuse has my back.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
spot the difference
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total