Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
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Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Traveler’s camo
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.