Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Pikachu found the lost joint
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.