Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
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Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
🍞🦆
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?