Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

Become ungovernable.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.