Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
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Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?