Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

any last words?

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.