Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

That lamp looks PISSED.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.