Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

Aaaa…CHOO!

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.