WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
my sentiments exactly
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before