Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”