Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

Do not steal food from the science building!

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?