Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…