Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
You Might Also Like
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right