Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

ok like just. call me at this point

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax