“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My love language is hissing.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?