“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m the neighbor
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
We will use anything but the metric system
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…