Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken