Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT