Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I did not eat the cake…
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.