welp
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[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
remember
only for emergencies
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
How dude HOW?!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
They’re really bad with fonts.
