welp
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Wait a minute…
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭