welp
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(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Don’t talk down to me
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.