welp
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You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
how it started vs how it ended
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life