welp
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Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.