Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

Camel dough

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.