Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

🏙👨🏼

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

🤣🤣🤣🤣

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.