Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first