Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
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6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.