Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

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Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-


Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder


When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.


Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct


dont be sad, girl. u are like a iceberg.. 90% of ur beauty is below the surface. now 95%. now 100% OMG GIRL ARE YOU DROWNIMG


One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.


[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome


Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.


Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.


I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.