Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what