Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Netflix My bladder
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Streaming on demand
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.