Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
It’s that simple 👊🏻
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.