Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
How dramatic are you?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…