Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.