Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
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Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
He has no idea 🤡
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*