Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

thank god the sign was there

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why