welp
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A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!