welp
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[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.