*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
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Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
How it started: How it’s going:
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
A fake ID that makes you younger
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
