*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat