@AndrewNadeau0

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

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@AlexRogaski

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

@mydanimarie

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

@LadyJanieGeek

Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV
Me:” Why are you watching Thatcher’s funeral?”
Mum: “Just to make sure”

@robfee

While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective defense against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?

@Sean_Burgundy_

When I’m bored I like to call in sick to places I don’t work for. I’m getting written up at Home Depot

@sharpular

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

@Underchilde

I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.