*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
You Might Also Like
Put a ring on it
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Jurassic park gets weird
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile