Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

I’d rather fork than spoon.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

How do you milk an almond?

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”