Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

some cats are just doing for fun!