Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”