Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
