[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?