[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
You Might Also Like
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.