Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

This is the best one I’ve seen

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

That’s classic.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works