Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February