Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

I was just discussing this with my cat