Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

These dogs look like they have good credit.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.