Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️