[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?