[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
i think my razor is having a panic attack
