[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”