[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
You Might Also Like
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him