[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
getting old is fun
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake