Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.