Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
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[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
oh you like nyc? name every rat
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.