Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
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Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?