Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
This is a genius move
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I only treason on days ending in y
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.