Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me