Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

My life in a nutshell

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?