Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
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My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.