went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Make me look younger
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
You’re not my real can
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.